Your Words Senator

2011-12-07T09:40:00.001-05:00

Jeremy: The Most Interesting Man in the World, pt 1

2009-07-05T18:44:00.015-04:00

He uses poisonous cactus needles as toothpicks and toothpicks to win dart tournaments.

Runoff from his sweat has been known to cure long drought seasons.

He once started a war with a pandemonium of parrots…and lost…so he claims…

He grew a pair of breasts just to win a bet against a woman with implants.

He is the Most Interesting Man in the World…these are his tales:

Mah Nà Mah Nà

It is believed he travels with the changing wind in a pact with the orbit of the sun. The truth is the earth orbits the sun in succession with his will. Indeed the sun stayed up an hour later than usual one day just so he could reach the summit of a Guatemalan mountain for sunset. When asked about the delay in getting to the top, his answer was simple, “Mah Nà Mah Nà.” Many believed this to be a nonsensical phrase from a song by Piero Umiliani, but a deeper study found an alternate solution. Mah Nà Mah Nà is a rarely evoked Swedish-Nahuatl word hybrid pertaining to the senses of Central American ‘armless snakes’. In this particular, or peculiar, situation, the Most Interesting Man in the World was resuscitating an ‘armless snake’ with CPR in the often dangerous caves of Chemic Champey.

‘Armless snakes’ in the caves of Chemic Champey are believed to possess to certain cures for acid reflux. Anyone who has tempted cuisine in Guatemalan markets knows the value in extracting the snakes’ potent potables. The most interesting man in the world spelunked through caves by candlelight to capture as many ‘armless snakes’ as possible. Leeches abound and hairy big-fanged bats aplenty. Upon discovery of the last dying ‘armless snake’, the Most Interesting Man in the World did what he knew best: call it a floosie, point and laugh.

The ensuing moments were fuzzy at best, but mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was given to the last remaining ‘armless snake’ and acid reflux was cured…at least for the most interesting man in the world. For he ate the snake after the snake turned his ungrateful back on the most interesting man in the world. He was right about that snake being a floosie.

His journey ended at sunset looking down from the local mountain with the snake that could have been. The snake that could have restored hope and change to all who suffer from acid reflux. But no, that snake had to be a floosie with an attitude. What kind of floosie snake would turn it’s back on the Most Interesting Man in the World with little remorse? The sun seeing the noble intentions in the most interesting man’s eyes decided to wait that extra hour to see that spectacular Guatemalan sunset.

He once ate a snake just to cure his acid reflux. Mah Nà Mah Nà!

On the next episode: The most interesting man in the world spreads the Word that no one has in fact heard. Have you heard the word?

Stay Thirsty, Floosies

Anyone who knows other tales of the Most Interesting Man in the World are welcome to submit their learnings.

Your Ear Required

2009-06-15T21:14:00.005-04:00

Sure, it's been awhile. Some might say I've given up on this blog. Those people would be correct. Well you know what. I still have this forum and I'm going to use it, damn it.

Every year I put together a montage for my adorable niece, Bradley. The most crucial decision made during the montage process involves picking the songs. Like an organic food snob, I only want to use the freshest, newest, home-grown music that appeal to all senses. Every song chosen must have been released within the past year, few exceptions.

For this year's montage, I want YOU! to help me select the third track. I have narrowed it down to a few choices for you cast your vote. "But Senator, what if I don't like these songs?" Well Timmy, you can nominate your own. I encourage the suggestions.

Sample the songs to the right and vote just below. After ONE week, I will pull the winner to use in the montage, whose debut will be 24 Jul.

"Running Cirlces in the Yard" by Colin Gilmore (listen to it on iTunes)
"You Never Know" by Wilco
"Forget Romance, Let's Dance" by We Should Be Dead
"My Friend" by Dr. Dog
"This is Your Life" by The Killers
"Life with You" by The Proclaimers
"Nikorette" by Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band

Or you can nominate your own by posting a comment

Please enjoy last year's montage for Bradley: "All the First Year Round"

Your Wilde Oscar Words:

"Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event."

"One's real life is often the life that one does not lead."

"Only the shallow know themselves."

"The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius."

Ahmed's Kebap

2009-03-04T21:41:00.001-05:00

A few blocks away from the hotel in Barcelona was a kebap joint run by Ahmed. Ahmed served these kebaps that were the size of Frisbees and probably the most delicious kebap served in Europe. Throw in an Estrella Damm (beer in Barcelona) and you have yourself a quality meal.

A co-worker and I dined with Ahmed three times in the course of the week. Truth be told my co-worker ate there five times. This was not because a lack of better places, we just felt a certain attachment to Ahmed. If I could write Ahmed a letter, some of it would read as follows:

Dear Ahmed,

You make the best kebaps a person on earth could eat. I would like for you to make them for me regularly. Please move to America and open up shop. Specifically, please move to Dunwoody, Georgia and bring your friend who looks like Saddam Hussein with you. I do not think your restaurant would be the same without him.

I know a guy named Achim who makes k-bobs in Athens, Georgia. I think you two should team up. Achim is very good with customer service. Achim is Hungarian. I could introduce the two of you. It would be nice.

I love you and kebaps,
Billy

Sure, I had some delicious tapas and great Paella. I even had dinner one night at one of the most expensive restaurants in town on top of one of the tallest buildings in Barcelona. But it was Ahmed’s kebaps I dreamt of at night…and still do. My mouth is watering as I write this. I guess what I’m saying is a want a kebap made by Ahmed.

They are delicious.

Your Words Athenians:
Quotes in praise of Achim’s K-bobs (currently Uncle Otto’s)

I used to eat here many times in college and it doesn’t hold a candle to Ahmed. Bold statement, I know

Let Me Tell You About The HOLA Windup

2009-03-01T10:55:00.003-05:00

The clerk that works the evening shift at our hotel in Barcelona has a certain way of saying ‘hello’ each evening when we return from our long days of work. I have dubbed this particular greeting the ‘hola windup’. Let me explain how this works:

Step 1: Close your eyes as you rear back your head and lift your arms
Step 2: Breathe in and pause
Step 3: Explode your head forward while nodding, open your eyes widely, throw your arms out in a welcoming jester, and say “HOLA”
Step 4: Finish with a smile

This sincere welcoming we received everyday became comical after a few days. My colleague, Luke, took note of the ‘hola windup’ as I did. As we took the lift down to the lobby, Luke jumped out of the lift to the counter for a sneak attached. Luke windups up and fires: “HOLA, HOLA, HOLA.”

Senor Hotel Clerk returned fire with another ‘HOLA’.

Every evening upon our return from working, we received this warm, unique, greeting delivery. After a few days, we realized that the ‘hola windup’ does not represent a welcoming home, rather a loneliness of missing friends and customers each day. Rather sad if you ask me.

YOUR WORDS SENOR HOTEL CLERK:

Rear-back and fire: “HOLA”

Bidet On - Day 1

2009-02-14T10:49:00.004-05:00

The way the flights are from Atlanta to Barcelona, the night you are accostome to disappears. Unless you sleep very well on the plane, you are missing a night's sleep. I missed said night sleep. Soon after I arrived, I got to work quickly - showing up to the venue and introducing myself around. About 21.00h a few of us wend out for some drinks and tapas at a tapa bar around the corner from the hotel. By the time I got to bed, I had been awake without any sleep for 34 hours. I feel I could have gone longer, but there was no need.

The hotel I'm staying is has been affectionately dubbed the "Roach Motel" amongst us resisdents. It is a good thing we don't spend much time there. The rooms are small and the bed are nothing but rusty springs. The only luxury I have is the bidet next to my toilet in my bathroom.

So, in the spirit of trying new things and personal hygene, I gave that splasher a try. It wasn't as exciting or unusual I i thought. Afterall, I have taken a few showers before. It really isn't much different aside from the lingering feeling afterwords. You laugh at that "lingering feeling" but it feels more like you've cleaned an apparently (yet, unintended) neglected area of your body.

Barcelona 2009 - Day 0

2009-02-13T06:52:00.003-05:00

I have embarked on my Eurotrip 2009 which takes me first to Barcelona for a week of non-stop working followed by a week in Berlin of non-stop fun. I have arrived in Barcelona this morning after a sleepless flight ready to tackle Catalunya. Right now I sit in Hall 7 of the Fira Monjuic at the Plaza d'Espana in Barcelona. This city is just how I left it one year ago.

When traveling, people have a way, call it annoying, of carrying their belongings with them on a plane and somehow must fiddle with everything they brought before they can sit down. All the while you are standing right behind them in the aisle waiting to pass which you cannot do until they move.

First these people do a triple take to see if they have arrived at the right row, seat. I find 30% of the time they are wrong. Next they have to figure out the exact combo of clothing layers to wear for the duration of the flight. These are the same people who get up no less than 3 times in the flight to go through their stuff again and add/subtract clothing. What are they looking for? Do the have the right book? Right medications? Glasses, Did they forget to put on make-up? I never know what they are doing and why it takes sooo long.

I have one bag. I sit with it and I stay. I will get up once in the flight but it's quick.

Another observation: Flight attendants are very nice people to the people in the seats and through out the cabin. They smile, they laugh at jokes, and they'll happily fetch anything for you. If you stay in your seat and don't complain too much then you will be fine with the flight attendants.

There is a catch though. If you venture say to the back of the plane for a bathroom break and you encroach in their area, you will be punished. It has been my experience that the flight attendants drop the smiles and will try to persuade you to leave their area. They recommend alternatives to you standing in their space such as you know there are restroom on the other side of the plane. It's like you walked backstage at an Opera and you saw the heroine without any makeup - not so pretty anymore is she?

Look for more updates and observatiosn in my Eurotrip 2009.

Your Words Counting Crows:
"Or we could simply pack our bags And catch a plane to Barcelona 'cause this city's a drag"

from 'Holiday in Spain'

A Dog Eat Dog Super Bowl

2009-01-27T21:42:00.002-05:00

What does the Super Bowl mean to you? Is it about the game? The teams? Perhaps you watch it for the half-time show or the commercials? Do you gather each year for the food or because it is another reason to drink and be with friends? Maybe you watch the Super Bowl each year just because everyone else does?

As we gather to celebrate, yet mourn, the passing of the football season, we do so with the most American of pomp and grandiosity. As expected, fans will see two-day long pre-game shows, overly expensive advertising spots, obnoxiously attractive cheerleaders, major displays of fireworks, and premier concert performances. I usually enjoy the half-time shows and always look forward to the commercials. The games, however, are less memorable (with the exception of last year’s amazing catch by Tyree).

While most networks will concede the night to NBC’s coverage of the Super Bowl, many will embrace the idea of cheap programming to attract a different breed of viewers. Allow me to introduce you to the annual airing of the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.

The concept is simple: Pull together the cutest puppies into a small room with a football field carpet and stadium painted walls, add one crazy referee, and throw in some balls. What you end up with is one of the growing cult programs that air opposite the Super Bowl. Scoff all you want, but this concept is brilliant, funny, and satisfies the need of a niche audience in need of the Super Bowl ritual without the actual football. And it’s adorable.

While the Falcons are disappointingly not on the bill in Tampa, the commercials, the Boss, Hines Ward, and Leonard Pope will supply quality entertainment. Will it be better than Puppy Bowl V? Tough to say, but the game itself will be more hype than delivery.

*This is part of a duel post with dirtysouthsports.com

Your Words John Updike (1932-2009):

"To be President of the United States, sir, is to act as advocate for a blind, venomous, and ungrateful client."

"A leader is one who, out of madness or goodness, volunteers to take upon himself the woe of the people. There are few men so foolish, hence the erratic quality of leadership in the world."

"Being naked approaches being revolutionary; going barefoot is mere populism."

Mapping the Miles of Sounds

2009-01-11T15:29:00.005-05:00

My longtime partner/associate/friend/confidant/chauffeur and I reached an important milestone at the end of 2008. As our relationship hit its eighth year, seventh month and one-day anniversary, we rolled over into 100,000 miles.

As a way to commemorate our great achievement, I wanted to develop a map of my car through it’s own world of sounds. There are many new sounds that have made themselves known throughout the years, but more interestingly the sounds that are not being heard in my car anymore. Enjoy

NEW SOUNDS:

Bird chirping noises from under the console when the heat is turned up
Engine whining and growling when I am accelerating
Heavy engine breathing after a long, high-speeds on the high way
Hitchhikers who turn out to be cratered faced tennis pros
Cries of agony at the gas pumps (on temporary hiatus)
British voice who gives directions from the Garmin

GRAVEYARD OF SOUNDS
(Sounds no longer heard in or around my Xterra)

Music – No radio or stereo (See also: 10” wave box)
Air conditioning
Teenagers
10 times around Loop 10 (reunions should be scheduled)
Patrick snoring in Jacksonville before Georgia/Florida
M. Mullen climbing on my roof or hanging umbrellas outside the window (all whilst driving)
Mud splattering from driving off-road
Eating Wendy’s – this also applies to smells
Talking on old Nokia cell phones and the playing of ‘Snake’
3 AM runs to Wal-Mart, Waffle House

Contribute your own sound memories of my Xterra by posting a comment.

YOUR WORDS SENATOR AL FRANKEN:

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

YOUR WORDS CONGRESSMAN ANH “JOSEPH” CAO:

“I don’t want to conform to any ideology, to be put into a little corner”
“I truly espouse Aristotle’s definition of virtue: To walk in the middle line.”

- Anh Cao is the first Vietnamese-born person to be elected to the US Congress

Jacksonville after a full night of sleep - in the car

Spring Break 07 - Party!

With Charlie driving through North Georgia

Have You Heard?

2008-12-20T12:17:00.004-05:00

[Editorial Note: this is part 1 of a year-in-review series]

I have been inspired by a fellow bloggist, Corey J*, over at YES. YES IT IS. He showed me I too can assemble a music in review list. This list has been one year in the making.

Enjoy.

25. Lenka
Playful and cute pop songs from this Aussie. Hey good music is good music
Key track: “The Show”

24. Her Space Holiday – XOXO, Panda and the New Revival
This gives me a Juno [soundtrack] vibe but more intricate and refined
Key track: “Sleepy Tigers”

23. Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago
This could easily be #1 on anyone’s list and though I like many songs, I find myself sleeping through half the album
Key track: “For Emma”

22. Death Cab for Cutie – Narrow Stairs
Not going to lie, I was disappointed with this record and almost left it off the list completely. It’s grown on me, but I’m not going to give it a ringing endorsement
Key Track: “Talking Bird”

21. Conor Oberst
Bright Eyes singer to help emphasize your depression
Key Tracks: “Cape Canaveral” and “Moab”

20. Sigur Rós - Með Suð Í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust
I love this band. They are still not the best Icelandic artist (Björk holds this title) but this album easily ranks as my favorite from them
Key Track: “Inní Mér Syngur Vitleysingur”

19. TV on the Radio – Dear Science
Key Tracks: “Halfway Home”

18. Vampire Weekend
Key Tracks: “Oxford Comma” and “The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance”

17. Japanese Motors
Key Track: “Single Fins & Safety Pins”

16. Santogold
Oh yeah, this one will get you going. First time I heard L.E.S. Artistes I dismissed it, but then it grabbed me and sucked me into its trance. Great album.
Key Track: “L.E.S. Artistes”

15. Peter Gabriel – Big Blue Ball
This album features everyone and most you’ve never heard of. It’s a great tour through the stylings of Peter Gabriel.
Key Track: “Big Blue Ball”

14. The Killers – Day & Age
Like all Killers albums, it takes a few listenings to get a beat on it. Not even The Killers know what direction they want to go in. The thing is, they make solid songs even if they are ear worms.
Key Track: “Spaceman” (no song stands out but all are solid)

13. MGMT – Oracular Spectacular
Key Track: “Time to Pretend”

12. David Byrne & Brian Eno – Everything That Happens will Happen Today
Anything from these guys should be welcomed with open arms. I am disappointed at few songs but overall I like the album
Key Track: “Home” and “One Fine Day”

11. Coldplay – Viva la Vida or Death and All his friends
I did not accept this album at first. I think Chris Martin tried to force the issue of making a great album. For example, they over recorded, hired Brian Eno, made each song too complex, and could not stick to a concept. Having said that, the album has many great songs worth our attention.
Key Track: “Lovers in Japan”

Reflecting on this year in music, I cannot help but compare 2008 to 1968, arguably two of the most historically fascinating years in recent American history. The music of ’68 reflected the Vietnam War, political assassinations, cultural shifts, Civil Rights, and the list goes on. Many songs were highly charged political messages demanding change. In looking at this list, I see one maybe two politically charged album and a few other inadvertent political messages scattered throughout. It speaks to the stability of America today despite what has happened this year. The Olympics in ’68 saw a couple black leather gloves held proudly in the air. This year we had stories of Michael Phelps’ eating habits. '68 had Woodstock. '08 had several indistinct festivals all featuring similar lineups.

Where was the music? Sure we had a few Election inspired tours, but how much new music came out that really mattered? We had the non-threatening little kids singing “You Can Vote However You Like.” And who is more non-threatening than Hannah Montana or American Idol or the Jonas Brothers? These artists don’t bring about change.

I digress. Let’s get back to the list…

10. Blitzen Trapper – Furr
Helping solidify the ‘Year of the Beard’ comeback, this Oregon troop will help define a sound and culture for the next five years.
Key Tracks: “Furr”

9. Fleet Foxes
See Blitzen Trapper note, repeat. Their sound is more avant-garde but it works very well. This is one of the more surprisingly great albums of the year.
Key Tracks: “White Winter Hymnal”

8. Wolf Parade – At Mount Zoomer
This is a good example of how rock has progressed and evolved over the past few decades. Albums and recordings heard hear show the new standard in rock music.
Key Tracks: “Fine Young Cannibals” and “California Dreamer”

7. She & Him – Volume One
How can you not love Zooey’s voice? This album is a mix of covers and originals each moving amongst each other in a logical progression without reference to time or boundaries. If you like the singing in the shower scene in Elf, then this is a must.
Key Tracks: “You Really Got a Hold on Me” and “Sweet Darlin” (all of them)

6. Radiohead – In Rainbows
Still the golden standard of bands pushing rock to the next level. Radiohead practically gave this album away before they told people to buy it. Highly successful and the music business is still scratching their heads (well, they're idiots regardless).
Key Track: “House of Cards” (the single best recording of the year)

5. Dr. Dog – Fate
Fun and serious. Raw and polished. They have intertwined too many great things to develop this sound. I love it
Key Tracks: “100 Years” and “My Friends”

4. Mates of State – Re-Arrange Us
The parental duo matured a little more musically for this album. This has been one of my top listens all year.
Key Tracks: “The Re-arranger” and “Get Better”

3. Kings of Leon – Only By The Night
See Wolf Parade comments. This band knows exactly what they are doing with each song and what they need to accomplish. It’s a kind of hypnotic rock, hard and slow at the same time. Solid album that should be on the top 10 of everyone’s list.
Key Tracks: “Cold Desert,” “Manhattan,” “Notion,” and “Sex on Fire”

2. R.E.M. – Accelerate
They’re back! This album is why R.E.M. has resurfaced as my favorite band. Accelerate has the heaviness, vision, and political messages that you should expect from only the best R.EM. records. I am extremely disappointed this has flown under the radar of the music media outlets who rate these kinds of things – I’m looking at you All Songs Considered and Rolling Stone.
Key Tracks: “Living Well is the Best Revenge,” “Accelerate,” and “I’m Gonna DJ”

1. My Morning Jacket – Evil Urges
Bar none the greatest release of the year. However, you won’t find this band on Corey’s list EVER which blindly discredits him. The album is as in-your-face as it is emotional. The messages are smart, non-confrontational, and often vague yet driven. The band itself comes from strong Southern roots and their music reflects a rooted history of gospel, bluegrass, and Southern rock. They have great live performances, a strong singer with range, pouring of emotion, experimental, authentic, distinctive sound, etc. In short, MMJ encompasses every aspect I look for in a band.
Key Tracks: “Touch Me I’m Going to Scream, pt. 2,” “Librarian,” “Smokin From Shootin’” (all tracks incredible except ‘Highly Suspicious, which sucks)

Your Words Senator Smith:

"I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that. I'm shakin' the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum. Then, I'm comin' back here and go to college and see what they know... And then I'm gonna build things. I'm gonna build airfields, I'm gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high, I'm gonna build bridges a mile long."

"To my brother George, the richest man in town."

"Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings."

"Zuzu's petals. You've been given a great gift, George. A chance to see what the world would be like without you."

*Corey, you made a great list. I just wanted to say that

Urge to Buy...

2008-12-07T12:56:00.003-05:00

…Burj Dubai.

This post goes out to my Platinum-Level readers who are not affected by the economic crisis. I understand your frustration and fear that the new Obama administration will usher in an era of taxes, socialism, sodomy, and the lash. Perhaps I can offer a business-friendly solution? Perhaps I can interest you in Dubai?

Let us begin with the Burj al Arab Hotel, the world’s tallest hotel and [boasted as] the only 7-Star Hotel (at least until a few new hotels open up down the street). Situated on an artificial island, the Burj al Arab takes it symbolic design from the sails of boat. To stay at the hotel, start by dropping a M-note a night, at minimum, and continue by dining at one of its unthinkably luxurious restaurants. According to this promotional video, you must arrive and depart the hotel in a Rolls Royce. The helipad at the top of the burj also acts as a dangerously stupid tennis court:

Perhaps the dessert is not your cup of Tieguanyin tea. Well, one day outing you can spend your time in the indoor winter wonderland of Ski Dubai. Then reserve a round of golf at the Tiger Woods Golf Course (Bobby Jones chose Augusta; Woods chose Dubai). Next make your way over to the Dubai Mall Aquarium in the new Dubai Mall. (How did America not put these two things together: the human fascination and/or love for shopping and looking at fish). Don’t take my word for it, see for yourself:

Not convinced yet? Perhaps owning your very own island country will do the trick? It’ll only set you back around $25-30 million. (Shotgun Sudan).

I would like to extend my special thanks to His Highness Sheikh Mohammed, for his generous support to me and my blog. Like everything else in America, it is the Middle Eastern investors who may be the ones keeping me afloat and financed in the coming years.

Your Words Thomas Jefferson:

“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”
Quoted in 1802

America the Weird

2008-12-02T22:00:00.004-05:00

Only in America can a name be strategically thrown around during a political debate and that man rise to dramatic, yet desperate fame. Joe Wurzelbacher, or ‘Joe the Plumber,’ around the end of the election enlisted the help of a Nashville PR agency to represent him with the hopes of “a possible record deal with a major label, personal appearances and corporate sponsorships.” For those of you yearning for more JTP, may your eyes rest on this wondrous piece of news: JTP has signed a book deal because he was broke but still wanted to ‘spread the wealth around’.
Ain’t that America.

In The Ohio State, an OSU academic adviser was caught running a prostitute ring via a raffle. The kicker: the prostitute was a child sex-abuse caseworker. I’ve heard of actors going to extremes to get to know a character, but this takes it to a new level. After reading this story, I immediately thought of the feasibility of this happening at The UGA. I was then reminded of my adviser who was in fact a whore of a woman. She continually stalked her advisees and attended college functions (the one’s she shouldn’t). She was overly excited by dumb news and probably did unmentionable news to the college boys and girls.

For those of you looking for a little Christmas related story that has nothing to do with a Wal-Mart employee getting trampled at the start of black Friday, I offer this little nugget. In Florida (a state we could all do without), a man attacked his father with a Christmas tree. Let me say this again. A 37-year-old man who lives with his parents threw a 3-foot Christmas tree at his father and missed. He is being held on federal charges.

And my favorite bit and bobble…A sane man in Texas took his perfectly good truck and steered it directly into a female’s car at 100 miles per hour…because God ordered him. God often talks to crazy people but he talks to sane people too. Mr. God told the man “she needed to be taken off the road.” Ain’t that America.

Texan + truck + female driver + (absurd speed – alcohol) x God =

A) Matthew McConaughey on a Steven Soderbergh set
B) LaDainian Tomlinson after a disappointing season
C) George Walker Bush the last 8 years
D) Toby Keith after admitting he’s a Democrat
E) Other ideas? Write on the comment wall

Your Words Nixon:
"Never forget the press is the enemy. The press is the enemy. The press is the enemy, the establishment is the enemy. The professors are the enemy. The professors are the enemy. Write that on your blackboard 100 times and never forget it."
[Hundreds of hours of Nixon tapes were released today by the National Archives. This is a quote from Nixon a couple weeks after he won one of the largest landslide elections in American history. What a crazy crazy man...]

Your Words Lewis Black:
And if the illustrious Richard Milhous Nixon were alive today, I would give him a slap on the back…of his head and scream, “What the fuck were you thinking?”
From Nothing Sacred

Yes We Did, Revisited

2008-11-18T22:45:00.004-05:00

To update the previous posting, I found more reactions to the election of “the Alpha and the Obama” that deserve a little more attention. (Truth be told, I’ve been meaning to post this for over a week now.)

Remember the ‘Wassup Guys’ from 1999-2002? Well, turns out their lives have persisted over the past 6 years. Let’s check in with them:

In Antiqua, the Prime Minister hopes to rename its highest peak 'Mount Obama'. Yes Antiqua, an Island so important it was actually mentioned in that Beach Boys song about the Caribbean. Can you imagine?

There is actually a campaign to make this happen. Sorry Reaganites, I guess you’ll have to settle for the x note (ahem, I mean the coin)

On a more serious note, the day after the election gun sales soared throughout the US, especially in gun stores selling assault weapons. These ‘Obama Gun Sales’ may have been intended urge licensed citizens to buy a gun before the Democrat takes away their right, but had the added effect of linking people with shooting the newly elected President. When will people learn?
When reached for comment about sales, Jody White, a gun shop employee, remarked, “Sales are ok, we’d be doing better if we sold the assault riffles.”

Finally, the time-honored tradition after every election: moving to Canada.

Your Words Thomas L. Friedman:

"In China today, Bill Gates is Britney Spears. In America today, Britney Spears is Britney Spears - and that is our problem...the world is flat."

"Remember, what was Detroit’s plan two years ago when they, when they confronted this problem? It was to subsidize gasoline at a $1.99 a gallon if you bought a Hummer or Suburban or a big truck–that was their idea of innovation. So, you know, it was like a crack dealer offering subsidized crack rather than, you know, going to a clinic to get–to get off the drug...Where was [Congress'] outrage two years ago, OK, about getting them to be more innovative, to getting them on top of the energy efficiency question? They have been enabling the destruction of this industry. So show me a plan. Show me a plan that says if we give you this $25 billion you’re actually going to change. Absent that–remember, Tom [Brokaw], we’re going to charge this $25 billion on our kids’ Visa cards. This goes on our kids’ Visa cards, and we have a moral obligation to make sure this is spent wisely."
On Meet the Press, 16 Nov

My Place in TIME

2008-11-17T17:58:00.005-05:00

A lot of youts wonder what it is I do to earn my daily bread. In time, I hope to answer these questions. Today, I received a package in the mail at work shipped from London. In it, contained 5 copies of the 17-November issue of TIME magazine. One of our ads if featured in this issue and TIME was kind enough to ship me a few copies for my records. It is common practice for a paid advertiser to have copies of the magazine given to them by the publisher.

Right now you are saying to yourself, “Billy’s company paid for an ad in TIME magazine right after the US election. That’s swell.” Well, you are right to a degree but you neglect the full story:

I struck a deal with TIME magazine to allow us to advertise in their publication and online in exchange for brand exposure at our event in February. In order to meet a certain deadline, I needed our ad to run in mid-November for maximum effect. I chose this particular issue because it was the first worldwide issue released after the US election – I had a feeling this issue would sell well for its historical implications. Indeed, it was a ‘Commemorative Issue’:

Moreover, we were GIVEN one of the premium positions in the issue, the inside back cover. Only Andre Agassi, Breguet (expensive watch company), and Chevron received a better placement – suckers had to pay.

To recap, I received an inside back cover placement of my company’s ad in the worldwide issue commemorating Barack Obama as the first African-American elected to the President of the United States all for free.

This reflects only a small, but important, portion of my job. More will be explained in future posts.

Note: I cannot confirm if our ad ran in the US versions of TIME, but it did run throughout Europe, Asia, and South Africa.

Your Words Studs Terkel (1912-2008):

"You know, 'power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely'? It's the same with powerlessness. Absolute powerlessness corrupts absolutely. Einstein said everything had changed since the atom was split, except the way we think. We have to think anew."

"I like quoting Einstein. Know why? Because nobody dares contradict you."

"I was born in the year the Titanic sank. The Titanic went down, and I came up. That tells you a little about the fairness of life."

Yes We Did

2008-11-06T21:02:00.004-05:00

Tuesday, 4 November 2008, became one of the most historic nights in American history especially pertaining to equality in America (Proposition 8 not included). One Philly man notes, “Rosa sat so Martin could walk so Barack could run.” While Jon Stewart on election night succinctly said “there are few countries that live up to their creed…that all men are created equal and tonight America has proven itself on a world stage as a show country not a tell country.”

I received congratulatory messages from friends and colleagues in Germany, Spain, Hong Kong, Ireland, and the UK. Clearly, the world has rediscovered its love for America.

Considering the flood of worldwide reaction and bold campaign promises, a lot is expected of Obama. In this spirit, I have wrangled some of the odd responses from around the world and across the country:

Kenya: More than half of the babies born on 5 November were given the names of either Barack or Michelle
Kenya: National holiday was declared Thursday
America: Put a little hope in your car

Bear shot dead in Obama protest (if Bears really are the #1 threat to America, then this is good news for the Obama presidency)
Jesse Jackson cries and shuts up at the same time. Any man who can make this happen has to be a great man

Indonesian girl picks her nose during Obama celebration
North Korea is hopeful
Canada admits Obama will be their president too
Mexico will reach across the border to Obama
Palin did not know Africa was a continent and believed South Africa was a sovereign state within the country of Africa
Russian President Medvedev wants war
First Dog, Barney, bites report Reuters reporter after being told he was moving to Crawford, Texas in a few months.
Kobe Bryant’s holy shit 25-point game (thanks Andy)
American Idol inspires real voting

Your Words Sam Cooke:

"There were times when I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will"

'A Change is Gonna Come' 1963

October Surprise, So It Goes

2008-10-26T13:42:00.004-04:00

Here we stand 9 days before the election and still no ‘October Surprise’. I figure the Obama camp will not issue a surprise on McCain as they are too knee deep in HOPE and chants of “YES WE CAN.” The McCain camp, however, must find a way to beat the previous punches thrown at Senator Obama. If I am to add it all up, I would believe Senator Obama is an inexperienced socialist terrorist with an elitist educated background of being a lawyer and community organizer but also practices his Arab/Muslim faith with a radical Christian minister named Jeremiah Wright whilst covering with 60s domestic terrorists in William Ayers.

This week, I’m looking to expand this description to include the big 2008 October Surprise. I predict we'll discover Obama is the man responsible for the childhood obesity epidemic. Republicans will of course be the root cause of Alzheimer's Disease.

In Georgia, the October Surprise will come in the form of vicious TV spots from the Senatorial candidates, Saxby Chambliss and Jim Martin. Six years ago Saxby swift-boated in this ad questioning the triple amputee, Senator Max Cleland, patriotism with images of Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.

With the tight race, Jim Martin better watch out, he is about to discover his close personal relationship with Hitler.

The New York Times issued this endorsement:

“…It has for many years been desirable that political power in the Nation should be transferred from the Republicans to the Democrats. The desired transfer has been postponed because the Democratic Party has wandered in strange places, has committed itself to unsafe doctrines under distrusted leaders. That has been cured. The Democracy has returned from its wanderings, it is again a united party, and its candidate, passing in triumph all the tests and challenges of the campaign, stands before the country as a man of bigh equipment for the office, worthy of the full confidence of the people. Without misgiving, with entire safety, and to the advantage of the Nations, the Democrats may now be returned to power. The country has made up its mind upon that point…”

After this convincing argument, I am urging everyone to vote 4 November for the Democratic candidate, Woodrow Wilson.*

But seriously, along with their endorsement of Barrack Obama, the NYTimes has a time line of all their endorsements over the years, or in the case of Ike, the lesser of two evils argument.

Please be a responsible and informed voter next week. Go Vote!

So it goes...

*Published 5 Nov 1912, The New York Times

The Obvious Liberal Media

2008-10-21T22:13:00.009-04:00

The topic of alcohol comes up very often in this weblog. For this post, I want to do a service to all those drinkers out there who wake up Sunday mornings needing a cure for the weekend hangover. Gentlemen, I have found the cure for the hangover.* You can find this cure at the local Waffle House.

Meet Coffee News, a weekly publication available for your enjoyment with Bert’s Chili and a side order of hash browns. I digress.

While perusing the latest edition of Coffee News, I found this gem of a story:

Paparazzi proposition: Tania Cowher, a businesswoman in Austin Texas, has a proposition for anyone who wishes they were a celebrity. For anywhere from $250 to $1,500, Cowher, who owns Celeb-4-A-Day, will arrange for the paparazzi to show up on your doorstep and act like you’re famous, tripping over each other to snap your photo. The high end of the price scale gets you a limo, bodyguard and publicist, not to mention a pretend cover of a celebrity magazine with your smiling face on it. “Friends are surprising their friends with this. They want to experience something they’ve never experience before,” say Cowher

Or this news flash:

Picky Lady: Milunka Dabovic, a 38-year-old woman from Maskova in central Siberia, received her first proposal of marriage when she was just a young girl of 14. Twenty-four years and 149 marriage proposals later, she still hasn’t said ‘Yes’ to a suitor. Her search for ‘Mr. Right’ continues. Dabovic says that sometimes, a particularly determined would-be husband tries to get her mother to convince her to say ‘Yes.’ “They won’t take ‘No’ for an answer.” She says. Her criteria for a husband is straight forward: tall, handsome, hard worker, good heart, and willing to live in her village.

(and people say I have high standards)

Now that I’ve read Coffee News I know my horoscope, where to buy custom buttons, where to go to church, and there is a Senior Expo on 22 October at the Oconee County Civic Center. Now that's what I call a newspaper.

Your Words Constitution:
"The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided."
Article 1, Section 2

"If, at the time fixed for the beginning of the term of the President, the President elect shall have died, the Vice President elect shall become President."
Amendment 20 - Presidential, Congressional Terms, Ratified 1/23/1933, Section 3

"In case of the removal of the President from office or of his death or resignation, the Vice President shall become President."
Amendment 25 - Presidential Disability and Succession, Ratified 2/10/1967, Section 1

*Obviously, I am assuming no ladies read this blog

Drinkability You Can Believe In

2008-10-08T23:10:00.008-04:00

There were a lot of critics when this campaign began. “You’re getting in the way of the big Clydesdale horses that have dominated the campaigns for years.” Apparently, it is wrong for a campaign to mettle with the inevitability of what has been proven to work in the past.

Budweiser crafted the word ‘drinkability’ as a passing description of its Bud Light product. They used this term for months while the masses clamored for the beer. I saw people fall off the proverbial wagon to endorse a beer based on a simple marketing ploy. I was a little suspect at the beginning and I had to be convinced. I was not going to let the shiny persona, the well-crafted rhetoric, or the ease with which to digest the product convince me so quickly.

Thus, I called for Budweiser to define exactly what this ‘drinkability’ means. Well, my friends, they did just that:

Budweiser silenced my, and others, criticism by defining in specific detail what it means to have ‘drinkability’. Now I know that ‘drinkability’ not only means the ability to drink something but also the ease at which to drink it all day long. This is great for tailgating and parties. ‘Drinkability’ means my wallet doesn’t feel the pinch. ‘Drinkability’ means I don’t have to worry about the beer making me full. ‘Drinkability’ means I don’t have to drink that elitist microbrew crap.

Many people out there are still saying "drinkability? Ha, more like pour-it-down-the-sink-ability." These people are stupid. It's not that they don't care, they just don't get it.

This is such a brilliant technique for making a campaign. I wonder why no one else has ever thought of this before?

Your Words Jack London:
"There are, broadly speaking, two types of drinkers. There is the man whom we all know, stupid, unimaginative, whose brain is bitten numbly by numb maggots; who walks generously with wide-spread, tentative legs, falls frequently in the gutter, and who sees, in the extremity of his ecstasy, blue mice and pink elephants. He is the type that gives rise to the jokes in the funny papers."
- From John Barleycorn

Alcohol in the time of Elections

2008-10-04T22:08:00.000-04:00

New York Times op-ed columnist Charles Blow decided to watch the Vice Presidential debate with the NY Young Republican Club to insure he was surrounded by the most conservative party in the city. They gathered at Jake’s Saloon for drinks and a gang-bang of self-congratulations. I can only imagine the alcohol helps make their Palin-boners become flaccid whilst watching the debate. (I have it on good authority to believe if you are a conservative male over the age of 45, you find Sarah Palin as the latest MILF-of-the-week and pray for a Janet Jackson teat moment). This must be their drink of choice.

This saloon scene illustrates one of the great uncomfortable marriages in America: Politics and Alcohol. Americans (especially college-aged) feel more comfortable watching debates whilst intoxicated among a platoon of shouting friends. Politicians all drink but easily get in trouble when their constituency finds out. For historical reference I could cite the Canadian-American Reciprocity Treaty of the 1850s, which came into existence because of Canadian and English politicians drowning Southern politicians in a sea of champagne. Or, I could just talk about Prohibition.

But I don’t mean to bore you, let’s talk about political drinking games. This election season offers a great selection of drinking games to help you yell louder during debates and political speeches. The mass-consumption of beer numbs the pain from having to listen to politicians speak, which beats the hell out of stabbing a pencil in your ear – a more painful distraction. Among the ever-popular, non-creative game of “Drink whenever politician says X,” are updated versions of the classic game Bingo, which play on this same concept:

"Say it ain't so Joe OBiden":

"A Pitbull with Lipstick Palin":

Some drinking games pitted two teams against each other. I like this version, but it fails to establish how a team wins. In this day in age we need defined winners and defined losers; we’re at war.

Here is a web site that explains to any idiot how to create a drinking game. If you cannot figure out how to create a drinking game but could search for a how-to guide on the web, then I will question your ability form coherent thoughts.

And the least creative drinking game. See also. See also. So it goes.

Note: words such as 'hope', 'change', 'maverick', 'freedom', 'fundamental' may result in loss of life and/or dignity

No matter which candidate disgust you the most, you can enjoy friends and booze together with politics, just like our friends in the NY Young Republicans Club – stupid alcoholics.

Your Words Lindsay Lohan:
Women have come a long way in the fight to have the choice over what we do with our bodies… And its frightening to see that a woman in 2008 would negate all of that.

Oh, and…Hint Hint Pali Pal- Don’t pose for anymore tabloid covers, you’re not a celebrity, you’re running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!

And in the words of Pamela Anderson, “She can suck it“.

Hotties from History

2008-09-29T21:29:00.000-04:00

Vote for Mr. or Ms. September. Relive the sexy with a new batch of 'hotties from history' brought to you by the great satirical Podcast, The Bugle. My vote is for Sarah, wife of Abraham in the Bible. What a babe!

For those of you who are fans of political satire, you must check out The Bugle. John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman deliver a tag-team, no joke off limits, Podcast. Their regular segments include the aforementioned 'hotties from history', 'ask an American', 'sports', and the world-famous world's only 'audio cryptic crossword'.

Your Words Mary 'Mother' Jones (a hottie nominee this month): After being accused of being "unladylide", Mary H. Jones retorts, “a lady is the last thing on earth I want to be. Capitalists sidetrack the women into clubs and make ladies of them.”
What a floosie!

"I asked a man in prison once how he happened to be there and he said he had stolen a pair of shoes. I told him if he had stolen a railroad he would be a United States Senator."

Serious Piratude

2008-09-28T18:26:00.000-04:00

Pirates off the coast of Mogadishu, Somalia seized a Ukrainian cargo ship carrying an unexpected booty: Russian battle tanks and a "substantial amount of ammunition." Awesome, I love pirates. Another story here.

If you are a movie script writer with a bad case of writers block, I suggest you pay attention to this one. It has everything: Pirates, the former Soviet Union, hostages, a possible love story, the U.S. Navy, a sea piracy renaissance, arms sales, and Pirates. This movie basically writes itself; you could phone it in. Pirates and a love story, Disney would pick this up.

Your Words Pirate:
"We want ransom, nothing else. We need [USD] $20 million for the safe release of the ship and the crew...If we are attacked, we will defend ourselves until the last one of us dies." - Ali the Pirate

Avast! If you were a pirate who successfully seized a cargo ship with 33 Russian tanks and a workforce of hostages, wouldn't you at least ask for a little more? Don't get me wrong, that is still a lot of money, but I've seen many Hollywood movies too. Their original asking price was USD $35 million and has since dropped to USD $5 million. You could get more than that trying to sell the tanks on the black market. The Ol' Buccaneers must have fallen on hard times.

I bet the pirate community across the world uses this opportunity and the other recent commandeering ventures to start attracting a new, younger breed of pirates. They can emphasize the excitement and monetary rewards that piracy provides. Perhaps we are on the cusp of a new golden age of piracy?
[I digress. I wonder what their drink of choice will be. Rum is sooo Caribbean. Whiskey? Vodka? Maybe they are cocktail pirates? Beer is cheap and good to offer the new recruits at information sessions because of the keg option. Wine is too pretentious for a buccaneer.]

Think of how exciting a new era of piracy could be. Perhaps we can combine the "War on Terror" with the open seas? Now that's a war I can get behind. It would also renew the great naval skirmishes of old with new strategies and tactics.

As a PSA, I would like to remind everyone the importance of knowing how to speak pirate. This may just save your life one day.

Post-Rational Excitement

2008-09-23T21:34:00.000-04:00

Step back and recount the state of our world at this moment. The last of three hurricanes, Ike, destroys Galveston and leaves Houston still without power. The remains are similar but a lesser version of Hurricane Katrina. However, that's not the big news.

The economy, a topic that makes people's eyes glaze over with every mention, has a new development everyday. We were introduced to the term "sub-prime mortgage" then the mortgage giants started falling. The word "bailout" started being shuffled around as news companies scrambled to try to find an explanation to tell their readers, viewers. My co-worker noted, "I wish I never paid my mortgage, I would have been let off the hood." When it comes to the economy all I can say is, "it's stupid."

Not to be over shadowed, we have an election. The old Senior Senator from Arizona picked the young mother of five, two-year Governor of Alaska, whose population is smaller than Memphis. John McCain is a war-hero. If you don't believe me, you can ask him. Or don't ask him, he'll tell you anyway.

I've read a lot about Sarah Palin lately and I still don't know anything about her. Please let me know the moment they let her speak.

On the other side, we have the mix-raced Junior Senator from Illinois. African father, mother from Kansas, born in Hawaii, lived in Indonesia, went to Harvard Law, and is a Democrat who actually is more religious than his Republican opponent. He's fills stadiums and excels with his rhetoric.

My point is this, you cannot write this script. What is going on around us is exciting and worth paying attention to.

In my own life, it's all happening. I'm traveling; I have a exciting job, and my Bulldogs are gunning for a national championship.

It is for these reasons that I have decided to start a blog. Expect a variety of topics presented in a myriad of formats be it serious, satiric, or boring.

Regular features include:

"Sport"
"Where the Hell is Billy"
"Your Words"
"This Should Bother You"